Wednesday 28 December 2011

2011 In Review: Mel's Worst Films

It's that time of year when we lay out the lists of Bests and Worsts. Here is a list of the films I watched, er, suffered through and consider the stinkers of this year. If you've seen them, my condolences, if not thank the Universe that others took that blow to the cranium for you.

Here they are in no particular order...

Red Riding Hood

Are you effing kidding me? This movie was so bad it would have made Ed Wood cry. We got medieval peasants with more hair product than Paul Mitchell booty-popping and gettin' their swerve on with a strangely anachronastic band. Mix in a lame CGI werewolf and the worst acting since Twilight the First and you have a stew of wretched garbage to be avoided at all costs.

Green Hornet

Are we in 2011 or 1911? This was a disgusting racist, misogynistic piece of crap that Seth Rogan should be drawn and quartered for. Jay Chou's Kato is still a house boy and Cameron Diaz' Lenore Case is a secretary straight out of Mad Men. As if that weren't awful enough, there were the giant plot holes, bad dialogue and set design that was caught somewhere between 1960's chic and Disney decadence.

Captain America

I got lambasted for this because oh I didn't understand Cap and the world he came from and blah, blah, blah. I don't care. From acting to dialogue to horrific CGI and plot, this movie was so bad I couldn't even muster a laugh. I was appalled that I had paid for this. And that damned theater would not give me my money back, either. Cheap bastards! I really should sue Marvel for pain and suffering.

Country Strong

Though officially released on Dec 26 2010, I'm counting this one cuz I saw it in January. Nicholas Sparks goes country. The cliches in this one could constitute a drinking game that would have everyone reeling pickled about twenty minutes in. Bad music, bad acting, big hair and enough crying to drown Noah and his ark.

Something Borrowed

Pay attention now, you see the way to get the man you want is to steal him away from his fiancee who happens to be your best friend. But it's all okay cuz you're a good girl and she's really a heinous, spoiled bitch. Whatever. The plot aside, the acting was just dismal as was the trite dialogue. I love Ginnifer Goodwin and Kate Hudson so I though this would be cute, but it was really just bad.

Footloose Redux

Seriously? Who the hell was the genius behind this piece of shit? Everything was the same from Kevin Bacon's original 1984 version, except that the acting and the dancing got worse and wow, John Lithgow's minister became Dennis Quaid's sheriff.

Well, there you go, my worst films that I paid to see this year. Agree, violently disagree? Talk to me. What are your worst?


farawayeyes said...

Strongly agree with your comments on 'Something Borrowed'. Wondering who thought anything about this was a good idea.

Unknown said...

@farawayeye Thank you! I was surprised at how bad this was. It screened like a cheater's justification handbook.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

A couple of those I didn't see, but I skipped Footloose for a reason. (Updating it? Why? Yes, the special effects are SO 1984!) Green Hornet was just quirky enough I liked it and you know I dug Captain America. (But no surprise it made your list, Melissa!)

Maynard Morrissey said...

I've only seen Captain America - and I really enjoyed it. It had its lengths and the 3d was crap, but aside from that I thought this was a fabulously entertaining popcorn-flick. Really enjoyed Chris Evans' performance.

Unknown said...

@Alex I did not understand Footloose at all. I guess because of all the dancing on TV they thought to bring it back to the movies. The Fame remake failed, too.

LOL yeah, I think I'm the only one on planet Earth who hated Cap. Shame on me. ;)

Unknown said...

@Maynard You see Evans was one of my biggest problems with the film. He delivered the Cap's dialogue ala Christian Bale as Batman. So growling and one-dimensional, but it worked for Bale and was epic fail for Evans. Then again the dialogue was atrocious so maybe I'm blaming the wrong guy. :)

FilmMattic said...

Yes, Yes, Yes!!! Lmao. This is the caustic, acerbic Melissa that I love to read :)

I agree with all of your selections, many of which i didn't see—In Mel I Trust. I did, however, mildly enjoy Captain America. It was neither great nor atrocious; somewhere comfortably in between. But some of your gripes were relevant.

Stupendous job repudiating the crap of 2011!

Craig Edwards said...

Nobody tears a movie a second pooper like Melissa Bradley! Well done on this list - I only saw Captain America, which I think we might have disagreed on a tad. I'll probably end up seeing Green Hornet at some point as pretty much every superhero movie ends up in my DVD player eventually. I'm not going to do a post of the worst of the year, so I'll just take this opportunity to throw Shark Night 3-D in as my worst theatrical experience for 2011. Why didn't I see the PG-13 on the poster or a trailer before I paid? It would have saved me a lot of time and trouble! Cheers!

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George Beremov [Nebular] said...

Mel, I agree partially on some of your picks, but totally disagree on others.

RRH was a huge failure. I hated it.

Enjoyed Green Hornet a lot, because it basically made fun of superheroes, and I loved the irony of it. Plus, the cast was cool, and the action scenes were hilarious.

Captain America was watchable, but nowhere nearly as good as everyone claim it is.

Unknown said...

@Matt Why thank you, sir! "In Mel I trust." I love that. I can't be halfway when it comes to movies I think are crap. Here's to a better selection of films in 2012.

Unknown said...

@Craig LMAO!! "...a second pooper..." You made my day with that. I love your gentlemanly understatement. I think we may have been two fighter jets tearing off in opposite directions on CA, but that's all right. We respect our differences.

Shark Night 3-D?! I have to check that out, but I will wait until I can see it for free. ;)

Unknown said...

@Image Thanks for the cool list.

Unknown said...

@Nebular I knew we would have some disagreements. That's part of why I love talking movies with you.

I didn't get an irony in Green Lantern, I was too busy fuming. LOL But, maybe if I ever see it again, I will look for it.

RRH was just a disaster and well, I took a lot of heat from CA, but I was just really disappointed. Maybe if I hadn't paid for it, I would have been kinder. Not! LOL

M. Hufstader said...

Excellent list! Luckily, I managed to avoid most of these piles of crap. Unfortunately, I got suckered into a couple of them. Captain America was just fine watching completely stoned, so I don't have too much beef with that movie. Green Hornet though...yeah. That movie has so many -isms I don't even know where to start. I shall continue to avoid all the ones I didn't see on this list!

Unknown said...

@M Yes, do avoid the ones you have not been suckered into completely. That's why I took blows for the team. LOL I saw a few more stinkers on DVD and wow, were there some nightmares out there. I can't believe people drew salaries for those. I'd have been fired.;)

Dempsey Sanders said...

the amount of times i get told off for saying I hated Captain America is unbelievable, they could of done so much more with it, and Red Riding Hood, dnt get me started lol!

Unknown said...

@Dempsey Thank you!! It's so good to know I am not the only one who hated Captain America. And yeah, Red was just awful.

Novroz said...

Lucky I am a remake hater, so I save myself from the agony of seeing footlose the remake ;)

I am a picky watcher, if I don't like the trailer...sure enough I wont see it.

I hope you have better movies in 2012 Mel

Unknown said...

@Novroz If I don't like a trailer, I won't watch, either. :) 2012 is shaping up to be one of my most anticipated movie years. There are so many I can't wait to see.

Kaijinu said...

I actually enjoyed Green Hornet and Captain America. I got a taste for pulp fiction heroes and Captain America was my fave Marvel Hero.

But ofcourse, i do agree with Red Riding Hood being the worst as well as that blasphemy: Footloose remake... what the chuck?

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