Tuesday, 1 November 2011

The Bad Movie

When was the last time you went to the movies, sat there with your over priced coke and popcorn and thought 'Geez, this movie sucks'. Once, maybe twice....three times? When have you settled down with a DVD and at the end of it felt like 90 minutes of your life has been ripped from your life. If this happens to you often... You might not like this post.
No, this post is dedicated to those bad movies, we all hate to love. The guilty pleasure that is bad dialogue, bad acting and a shoo in for the Razzie Awards. Featuring Hollywood greats, like Jennifer Lopez, Elizabeth Berkeley and Halle Berry.

Catwoman

Taking a much loved character and changing her name, her back story and her race was never going to go down well with the hardcore DC comic book fans and as a result Halle Berry's Catwoman limped her way onto movie screens and into our hearts back in 2004. Where does one start in listing the the things we hate to love with this movie, is it the cosmetic cream that turns Sharon Stone into a giant piece of marble, or having Family Guy's Lois Griffin(Alex Borstein) as the 0 dimensional best friend. It was hard for die hard movie buff's to accept anyone but Michelle Pfeiffer playing Selena Kyle and Catwoman. No body had any patience for well...Um...Patience.

But f**k it, I am about to share my reasons why I love this movie and I am probably about to make it known that I know very little about the art of making movies. I have never been a big fan of Halle Berry's work and the fact that The Flintstones was the first movie I could think of when I thought of Halle's illustrious film career, isn't really saying much.

But Catwoman is a guilty pleasure of mine. A hot woman kicking ass, dressed in leather and dropping puns all over the place. You will probably notice a theme with this post, I love hot woman that kick ass.

The plot is weak, a cosmetic cream which will eventually kill anyone that wears it is being produced and Catwoman has to make sure that doesn't happen. Sharon Stone is somehow involved and Patience takes the word of a crazy cat lady as Gospel. Benjamin Bratt is there too, falling in love with Patience and Catwoman at the same time.

This movie had the potential to be so much more, with some changes in casting, direction and writing but you have to love it for what it is, pure canon fodder and just plain old harmless fun.

Halle, the Academy called......

Batman and Robin

Everyone loves a homo erotic undertone right? Batman and Robin exploded onto screens back in 1997, flying the pride flag through Hollywood, letting everyone know, we are here , we are queer, get used to it. This movie did more for Gay Rights, than Harvey Milk could ever have wished to achieve. Basically, Batman and Robin make out a lot in front of their fag hag, played by the then delightfully chunky Alicia Silverstone, for like 2 hours whilst Arnold Schwarzenegger, Uma Thurman and fellow movie goers wonder 'What the f**k is this shit'.

I remember watching this movie as a kid and loving it. 'As I told lady freeze, when I pulled her plug, this is a one woman show'. I mean come on! Pure Camparama! It was panned critically but had some stunning visual effects and Thurman managed to pull a 'meh' performance with what she is given and Silverstone might have pilled on a few pounds and but she still looked hot as hell. Plus, and this is a big PLUS. You get to see how Batman pays for things .......with the Bat Card!

Like Catwoman, if you try not to think about it these movies, shit all over the legacy of their predecessors and think of them as stand alone movies, they are alright for what they are. I know it is easier said than done. It just takes practice.

Showgirls

Now, I know I am not alone here in thinking this movie is the F'n bomb! Showgirls has gone onto become a cult classic and tops many a 'so bad it is good' list. Jessie Spanau decides she is not going to college and and instead will become a stripper/whore in Vegas and along the way will pick up a token black friend and reach the pinacle of headlining show girl, no matter who she steps on to get there.. Gina Gershon wears too much lip liner and takes a plunge down the stairs.

 This was supposed to be the movie that but Elizabeth Berkley on the map, that star vehicle that every aspiring actress dreams of. It did that, but for all the wrong reasons. Gina Gershon even utters the line 'I used to love Doggy Choo'. Simple the best line ever uttered on the Silver Screen.

This movie has it all, hammy acting, atrocious dialogue, sex, violence and high camp fun. Despite it's poor critical and box office performance it went onto become a massive hit with rentals taking over 100 Million and earning its rightful place it the 'Bad Movie' countdown. The film was the winner of a then-record seven 1995 Golden Raspberry Awards (from a record 13 nominations) including Worst Picture, Worst Actress (Elizabeth Berkley), Worst Director (Paul Verhoeven), Worst Screenplay (Joe Eszterhas), Worst New Star (Elizabeth Berkley), Worst Screen Couple ("any combination of two people (or two body parts)") and Worst Original Song (David A. Stewart)

Daylight

I thought I would be nice to Sylvester Stallone and only include one of his movies on this list, 'Stop or My Grandmother Will Shoot' was a close second. Daylight was released in the winter of 2006. A group of thieves who can't read or drive a car decide to rob a man and a shit load of really expensive diamonds, drive a get a way car into the New York tunnel and crash into a truck containing...some sort of unspecified but highly flammable, toxic chemical. This is where the fun begins or ends depending on your outlook.

The explosion rocks the tunnel and the our world and we are left with just a handful of survivors, who seemingly all have better places to be because they all really want to get the fuck out of there (Just like the audience). Enter Stallone, he is a taxi driver, a paramedic, a former and might I add disgraced fire fighter and just an all round bad ass, who climbs through some giant air ducts to rescue our survivors. The oxygen is running out fast and if things weren't bad enough, there is a coach of convicted criminals amongst the survivors( The Cast of Dangerous Minds. There may have been no victims in that classroom but there is a couple on that bus). This movie is pre 9/11 because the Mayor of New York City, would like to seal of the impact zone and get traffic moving again, so she gives them a just few short hours to sort this bitch out. Stallone is one the clock....

There is nothing like a biblically bad disaster movie to get my blood running (Poseidon, I am looking at you too!). Judging Amy and Stallone are fantastic as the chemistry lacking romantic interest of the moment. It just ticks all the boxes. Implausible turn of events, check! Inaccurate scientific impossibilities, check! Danielle Harris of Halloween fame, check! Really bad theme song, check! Do I F**king love this movie, TRIPLE CHECK!

Glitter

It was a series of unfortunate events which brought Glitter to the Silver Screen. A very unfortunate release date, September 2001. A very unfortunate plot, the overly familiar rise to fame tale and the unfortunate casting of Max Beesley as Scary Carey's tragic love interest.

So Carey decides to grab the microphone in a club and whistle her way to fame and before you know it she is a world wide star who seemingly has it all, before falling in love with Beesley. He is then eventually stabbed and killed, not by an audience member, for reasons I can't quite remember right now. It is not really important anyway as it is just a catalyst for Scary Carey to sing the final, over wrought and depressingly melodramatic power ballad.
This was Carey's debut film role and despite the contrived plot and predictable developments which leads to the ending, Beesley's character has managed to track down Carey's long lost mother before his death, this film is not nearly as bad as it is often described. No one wanted to go see this movie in the wake of the September 11th attacks and people where starting to get tired of Scary Carey's eccentricities and diva behaviour. This movie is exactly like her music career, you pretend you have better taste but secretly you love it and know all her songs. Guilty pleasure overload.

Keeping up with the theme of music superstars dipping their toes in the movie pool and drowning....

We come to...

Crossroads
In the few years prior to the release of Crossroads, Britney Spears was the nations sweetheart but by the time this bomb exploded, she was a fucking snakes on stage and Justin Timberlake off stage and the seeds of her head shaving meltdown were being sown. She was on her way to be the crack sucking, child neglecting Spears we love today.

The plot is pretty simple, Spears and 2 friends and a convicted criminal decided to hit the open road and audition for some kind of farcical music competition across state. But get this the 2 friends haven't spoken since they were children and the convicted criminal is a random hot guy one of them knows, plausible right?


They also just happen to be driving past Samantha Jones, who apparently has a summer house and 2 other bastard kids and wants absolutely nothing to do with our Britney Spears. Remember she brought two other friends with her and not just the hot criminal she plans to bone? Well they get their own weird subplot where ones fiancé has raped the other and their is a globe key ring involved and then one of them falls down the stairs, oh did I mention she was pregnant...Well not anymore! Just before the big music competition Britney's ghost fighting dad shows up to put an end to all our fun. But remember she is not a girl, she needs to go out there and make her own mistakes or some bullshit and he lets her sing(What a waste of a plane ticket! Dad is straight up tripping!!) and sing she does, the only way Britney Spears knows how to do....

But this movie is harmless, non offensive trash and enjoyable way to throw away a couple of hours, the acting isn't the Mae West but this is one of the better Music star to Movie star vehicles and no one can argue with the soundtrack.

So there you have it, my all time favourite Bad Movie's. But in honour of my friends who did not make this coveted list.....

D.O.A, Mortal Kombat : Annihilation, Street Fighter : Legend of Chun Li, Resident Evil(All of them), Waterworld, The Bodyguard, Josie and The Pussycat's.

Oh and you can't mention bad movies, without giving a nod to the all time worst.... Gigli

 This article was brought to you by Mind Of Mine as part of a guest post for TheMovie411
Thank you 'M.O.M'!



11 comments:

Dempsey Sanders said...

Really enjoyed reading this post 'M.O.M', i really liked the Daylight movie, a definate guilty pleasure.

Thanks for writing for TheMovie411!

Nebular said...

The last time I saw a really terrible movie was, well, last night. I'm talking about the new Hellraiser:Revelations.

It was such a rubbish, I quit watching it after the first 10 minutes or so.

M.O.M., you I think you would have enjoyed participating in THE WORST MOVIES blogfest last month. It was so much fun.

I disagree about the Resident Evil films. The third one was plain bad, but the other three were pretty entertaining.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I enjoyed the Resident Evil movies as well, and at least Daylight was watchable. Catwoman, however, did end up on my Worst Movies Ever list.(Right along with Battlefield Earth - wow, that was bad!)

Movies on my Mind said...

Pretty much every movie I see I don't like. Dunno why. I think the present state of cinema bores me. I saw TINKER, TAYLOR, SOLDIER, SPY the other week and I fell asleep, and that was actually meant to be one of the good ones! I saw TINTIN last night and loathed it.

I have to say, SHOWGIRLS is a movie I have a soft spot for. It's a movie with balls. Can you imagine in today's age a H'wood studio commissioning a film like that with a full-on expensive A-list crew to boot? It'd never happen. It's a glorious grindhouse exploitation flick. Nothing quite like it.

Melissa Bradley said...

I freakin' love this post! M.O.> , you rock. You gotta love bad movies, especially when they take themselves so seriously, Britney, I'm looking at you. Oh the clunkers I have seen, but very few have I actually wanted my money back from. (Usually because I don't see them in the theater, I HATE wasting my first born's kidney) BUT Jeepers Creepers was one I was so angry over, I wanted to kick down the door of the box office and get my money back. It made my worst list because what had potential as a good serial killer flick jumped the shark and became a monster movie. WTFH!!!

I am so looking forward to your next post.

Eric said...

Wow, what a list. I was almost hoping you were being sarcastic, but I fear you are not. The only good thing I can say is that you definitely picked some BAD movies LOL.

msmariah said...

I felt like that recently in Paranormal Activity 3. Thank goodness I didn't have to pay for it.

Mind Of Mine said...

Msmariah! I loved PA3, that was a genuine scarefest!

Eric, What can I say, I find the good in everything.

I am glad you all enjoyed the post.

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